Breaking up is hard to do, especially when you are the one trying to the find the words to gently let the other person
down.
Years ago, I dated this guy. There were signs that he was on the fence about where we were going. So, I took the opportunity to hit the brakes. I couldn’t stick around until he decided he was done (which is what a lot of women tend to do) nor was I going to let him work my nerves and force me to end it because he didn’t have the balls to do so.
One evening, I turned to him and said, “You don’t want to do this. I’ll leave in the morning.” There was no fight, no argument, no denial of what I said either. I thought we had an amicable split. I should have known that it couldn’t have been that easy.
After we stopped seeing each other the real drama began. We called ourselves “still being friends”. Big mistake, huge. Since we were friends, we hang out from time to time. It was during this time his ass showed out.
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I’d show up to the movies and he’d be standing there with a date. He invited me over for dinner and had a date there. I couldn’t understand it. We were fresh out of the relationship and I would never parade a guy I’m seeing in front of him. That’s called respect. Me and my girls were stumped. “He can’t be that dumb?” we thought.
Finally, I realized the cause of his antics. He was upset that I broke up with him first. He admitted that at the time he was thinking about calling it quits but hadn’t settled on when or how. When I jumped the gun, he felt I took control of the situation and left him vulnerable. This is the man’s ego doing its work, ladies.
Two years later, with any raw emotion long gone, we discussed why we didn’t work.
I wasn’t ready for the load of crap he dumped on me…
“I knew that if I was to be with you, you would eventually hurt me.”
Huh, are you serious. This grown man checked out on your relationship because he was afraid that I would hurt him.
“By hurt, what do you mean?”
“Like you’d cheat on me or do something that would made me go crazy. You made me vulnerable. You challenged me and I didn’t like having to work that hard.”
“So you mean to tell me you’d rather be with a woman, who didn’t challenge you and you didn’t really love than a woman who did and you loved very much?”
“Yep.”
“You’re a punk.”
“I’ll be a punk but I bet you my heart won’t be broken.”
I could have sat there and racked my brain trying to rationalize what he meant by that, imagine the things that could have happened, promise him that I wouldn’t have hurt him.
I didn’t. You know why? He was talking out his ass, making it up as he went along. I could hear his mind saying “Yeah, that was a good one. Nice touch. She’s gonna eat that up.”
A relationship ends because one party (sometimes both) just isn’t feeling it anymore. It doesn’t matter what the excuse or explanation is the bottom line is you telling the person, “I don’t want to be with you.”
The reason given for a break up is hardly ever the truth because even though you don’t want to be with the person anymore, you still don’t want to be a monster and step on their heart. As a result, you give a flourished answer.
“It’s not you, it’s me.”
Translation: It’s definitely you!
“I’m just not ready to be in a relationship right now.”
Translation: I’m not ready to be in a relationship with you.
“We both have a lot of stuff going on and maybe we should focus on them.”
Translation: I’m tired of your issues and drama. Deal with it alone.
Perhaps we should keep it 100 when he break up with someone. How else are they going to know how to improve themselves or what people really think about them? I say keep it funky! No longer should you be left stumped wondering “What’s wrong with me?” or “Where did it go wrong?”
Of course hearing the truth will hurt but it will make you stronger. It’s not what you want to hear but, it’s what you need to hear.